Forward or Backward?

When memory and vision collide

“Most people’s idea of a preferable future is nothing more than a return to a glorified past.” –Robertson Davies, Canadian novelist and playwright

Did you ever ponder the concept of memory? What’s the point of it? I mean, besides waking you up at 3am to remind you of that embarrassing/stupid thing you did/said fifteen years ago? Or wondering why it fails you when you need to find your keys or phone?

Lots of creatures, primates, cetaceans, elephants and crows for example, have good memories and actively learn from past experiences. Our brains are wired to use patterns from the past to navigate new situations, because this generally leads to better outcomes and fewer mistakes. The survival of any individual (and ultimately their species) depends on the ability to avoid danger, find food and water, all while living long enough to reproduce.

It's hard to overstate the importance of remembering and learning from past experiences. Imagine our ancestors: “See these mushrooms that all look quite similar? These over here taste great with steak. This one will make you see the face of God. And these cute little fellas will kill you within seconds. Okay, have fun foraging today!”

Memory keeps us from having to relearn something every time we need to repeat a routine task. It’s how we accumulate wisdom, create personal and tribal identity, and connect with others through shared memory. We would never have made it this far without this amazing attribute of consciousness.

You know what else is amazing? It appears that only human beings can envision and, to some degree, design our own futures. We can visualize our own deaths, sometimes in vivid detail. We can even imagine the gap between today and the day we die, then decide how to live with intention and meaning. Incredible.

However, sometimes these two amazing feats of the human mind start to compete against the other. Our memories of what has been becomes our anchor, a tether that keeps us tied to something that no longer serves us, even while the longing for something new persistently tugs and irritates and makes us yearn for resolution. If you’ve ever felt stuck in a sort of existential limbo, this may be what’s going on in the background. It falls under the heading of “cognitive dissonance,” and it’s an uncomfortable place to be and a miserable place to remain.

I’ve come to expect it in working with folks who want to figure out their Second Rodeo. We typically address it early and often. We can’t ignore those signals from our past self; they must be acknowledged. If we don’t understand the tug of war within us, we may simply create a new life that’s really an echo of the one we want to leave.

I think of friends who’ve divorced and ended up with a new partner who has many of the same behaviors as the previous one. Some people leave a job and end up in another workplace with the same set of dysfunctions.

We end up creating a bad sequel instead of an exciting new season.

When it comes to envisioning a preferable future, we couldn’t completely ignore the warnings from our past experience if we tried. So rather than ignore them, we let them speak, then decide if they are indeed still relevant to who we are today.

Let’s start by seeing if we can identify any biases and assumptions that may have guided us into the ditch in past circumstances. It’s not easy and we may miss some, but perhaps with reflection we can identify a few.

What are the perennial fears that drive me? What’s my relationship to failure? We spoke of this last week. Fear of rejection may lead me to dread disappointing others while continually disappointing myself. Fear of being “different.” Our herd instinct is powerful. A fear of uncertainty, and nothing is more uncertain than our future. We have to acknowledge and admit these fears if we ever hope to move beyond them.

Have I historically leaned more heavily on logic or emotion? We all prefer using one hand over the other. But right-handed people can learn to use their left more often if they have a compelling reason. Similarly, most of us habitually prefer either head or heart when making decisions. What would it look like to engage your weaker side to try and bring some balance to the force?

How have I changed since this memory formed? Sometimes we’ve experienced significant growth, likely from some challenging stages of life. In many ways we aren’t the same person who had a similar experience in the past. When I was a child, I was scared of the dark. Over time, my fears diminished because my perspective changed. That monster in the corner inevitably turned out to be a shirt hanging from the back of a chair. Yet I wonder how many other monsters in the corner are simply stories that have not yet been examined?

This list isn’t comprehensive, it’s merely a starting point for your own exploration. When we make time to work through these (as always, I advocate journaling!) we will usually discover our survival instincts aren’t universally relevant today. So rather than trying to ignore our cognitive biases, emotional memories and entrenched habits, let’s anticipate they will make an appearance. Then we can examine them carefully before choosing to accept them.

As always, let’s post in the comments what insights you discover! I’m here to help.