Getting to Yes by Way of No
Juggling Your Priorities and the Expectations of Others
You may have noticed that I refrain from using the word “retirement” in these posts. I use phrases like “end of primary career” instead. Someone could point out they are basically the same thing, but I am trying to make a distinction.
I think “retirement” is a word from a bygone era—the expectation that on a certain birthday you’re done. We tend to live a lot longer than our parents did. Maybe it’s just my own perception, but 65-year-olds today don’t seem nearly as old as our parents did at that same age. The nature of work (for most of us) is far less physical, and while our minds may be tired, we haven’t completely destroyed our bodies through physical labor. Most of us don’t have the security of a pension to provide for our needs till the day we die. We’re like squirrels hoarding acorns, hoping we have enough to get through the winter.
“Retirement” carries a lot of baggage and implications that aren’t relevant to the work we do here at Second Rodeo. To me retirement implies “I’m done.”
A Second Rodeo means “I’m just getting started.”
The notion that at a certain age we are supposed to lay aside work and “take it easy” sounds great when you’re exhausted. It might still be what some people need. Only your opinion matters here. But as you know from our tagline, we’re all about guiding people “from success to significance.”
Having more time for hobbies or other leisure pursuits is something to look forward to. However, my experience working with a lot of high-capacity people is that recreational activities alone won’t scratch that deep longing for significance. To put it another way, hobbies make a great dessert but are typically unsatisfying as a main course.
What truly makes you feel alive? Invigorated? Purposeful? Finding those things that really give you a reason to get up in the morning can take a bit of effort. And to postpone that search, we often settle for what comes easily.
With that as prelude, let’s talk about a few typical stops along the way for people who have just stepped out of a full-time career.
The To-Do List
Most people have a long list of chores that need attention, things that were easy to postpone when working full-time. It’s great when you finally have the time to knock some of those out of the way. In my early coach training, we called those “tolerations,” the nagging bits of unfinished business that we tolerate, with every intention of getting around to them someday. When you’re no longer heading to work every Monday morning, someday could be today. Might as well get started clearing out the garage, or taking care of those doctor’s appointments, or getting on that healthy eating/fitness program you’ve been intending to start for years. It’s all important and it will feel good to get (some of) that done, but it won’t necessarily lead to the kind of significance I’m talking about. More importantly, the likelihood that our To-Do List will ever be fully accomplished may be a simple fantasy.
Too Much Availability
Once people find out you are “retired,” it’s like you have a target on your back. Every organization you’ve been part of needs volunteers. The current volunteers are tired. They look at you and think fresh meat. I remember when my father-in-law retired after a career in finance. They moved to a retirement community and became active in a church there. We were visiting and he had to leave for a while because he’d committed to something at church. “I’m one of the young guys here,” he explained. “So when they need to move a piano or something, I get a call.” At the time he had nothing else going on (except spending time with us) so off he went. In that moment, he was glad to be needed, glad to have somewhere to go.
As I’ve written about before, most of us grow accustomed to the state of being busy. That makes being not busy feel weird, so initially it’s common for people to say “yes” to any opportunity just to be busy. Saying no can be hard for some of us. Maybe an interim step is to say “not right now” if that’s truly an honest answer.
As a public service announcement, let me say that people who have held significant leadership roles tend to make terrible volunteers. Many non-profits aren’t that sophisticated and don’t have a lot of discretionary money, so there are bound to be inefficiencies and redundancies that will bug the hell out of your little MBA-trained brain. If you can’t overlook those and focus on the cause or the mission, you might be better off to find another way to invest your time.
Family Expectations
If you’re a servant-minded sort of person, it’s fulfilling to help your aging parents or your adult children with things like household repairs or childcare. The caveat here is that these requests can often escalate before you know it. If you’re doing it because you love it, and you find it fulfilling, then knock yourself out.
However, if/when you start feeling your loved ones are taking advantage of your availability, it might be a good idea to set some boundaries before resentment sours the relationship.
All of these are situations where it’s easy to say “yes.” They are the kinds of things we envision when considering what life beyond primary career might look like. Add all these together and you have the equivalent of a full-time job. If that suits you, great. After about six months or so, however, it’s not uncommon to find our days are so full with all the good things we’ve said yes to, and we have to say “no” to something greater…something that could be personally fulfilling and significant.
At Second Rodeo, our mission is to guide people to finding the fulfilling, significant things first. To put it another way, when we say yes to the most important things first, it gives us a lot better sense of how much time and energy we can give to all these other things that matter to us. I’m not saying we have to pack every day to the limit. One woman put it well in a recent introductory interview. “I want to be more intentional about what matters to me and less accommodating toward what matters to everyone around me.” I don’t consider that being selfish. I consider it necessary to become healthier and more “self-actualized”, to use Maslow’s terminology.
No one has the perfect plan but knowing the potholes that are likely in your path can help you get to the place where there is room for those things that most bring your fulfillment.
If you need a guide, let us know.
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