Something has Changed
Part 1
When American economist Paul Samuelson was accused of flip-flopping on policy, he quipped, "When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?" [1]
What a question to ponder as we approach the end of a primary career!
Mental flexibility and adaptability are essential attributes in today’s ever-changing world. Ever notice how, just when you figure out how to navigate one stage of life, something changes? Whether we’re talking marriage, parenting, or career, circumstances continually evolve. When faced with unwanted change, we can double down and keep doing what we’ve always done. We can stick with what’s comfortable and familiar, even as it yields increasingly poor results. It’s easy to confuse an unwillingness to change with conviction. Sometimes we fiddle with little tweaks and changes, when what we really need is a new way of thinking about the situation.
A while back I was at a gathering of people and someone asked the inevitable question, “What do you do?” I gave a brief synopsis of my work in leadership and organizational development, and the mission of Second Rodeo.
“Why would anyone need a coach to navigate retirement? It’s simple. You stop working and start doing whatever the hell you want.” Although my companion had consumed several adult beverages and his filter had slipped a bit, it’s still a valid question.
I guess for some people, it’s just that easy. But I can’t think of another stage of life when so many things change, so dramatically and so quickly. Without a road map, it can seem daunting. We need perspective if we are to develop that new mindset.
It was the philosopher Søren Kierkegaard who said, “Life can only be lived looking ahead, but can best be understood looking back.” In this post and the next, I’m going to name some of those shifts in mindset that are obvious in hindsight but are easy to miss as we try to look ahead.
From Saving to Spending
This is usually the first of several post-career shifts in mindset we have to navigate. While not all people have the same opportunities in life, many have focused for decades on earning and saving as much as they can, often at the expense of other important things, in order to stockpile resources for the 20-30 years after they stop producing income.
Then comes the day when you need to start consuming the nest egg you’ve been protecting. Even though intellectually that’s been the plan all along, it’s psychologically disorienting to spend what you’ve spent years preserving.
Our behaviors are always rooted in our beliefs. Even when there is “enough,” if our mindset doesn’t shift, we dampen the enjoyment of those resources and the temptation to hoard can set in. Living simply out of choice looks and feels much different from living in fear with a poverty mindset.
From Career Identity to Personal Identity
Like it or not, many of us derive some percentage of our identity from our work. If that career was in any way high-profile or prestigious in the eyes of others, the influence on our identity compounds. Then, when the phone stops ringing and the invitations quit arriving, it’s not uncommon to think our best days are over. An existential dread can descend like a fog, as we try to figure out who I am now.
Discovering our personal identity is a process. It might be partly relational (I’m a spouse, grandparent, friend, neighbor), partly recreational (cyclist, musician, yogi) or linked to a cause you believe in (social injustices, environmental issues, and systemic problems like poverty and inequality.)
Consider this—at the next social engagement, instead of literally answering the question what do you do?, practice describing who you are. That’s a much more interesting conversation. At your essence, who are you?
From Quantitative to Qualitative Growth
In the spring, summer, and fall of life, much of our growth is net positive. Financial net worth is hopefull increasing. If I keep working, I’ll get stronger at the gym or faster on the bike. My social capital is accumulating. Perhaps the nuclear family is growing as children are born, then grandchildren.
But there are subtle but distinct shifts as the winter of life sets in. If I can free myself from the burden of unrelenting growth, I can start to focus more on true quality of life issues. I have more time to focus on non-work relationships, maintaining health, and finding both a lifestyle and a community that complements who I’m becoming, not who I was.
From External Validation to Internal Validation
Without going into all personal details that only my therapist knows, I’m on the back side of a life largely spent trying to keep everyone around me happy. External validation was my score card. I needed to be the “nice guy, the helping hand, cheerful, willing to be inconvenienced or taken advantage of, unwilling to engage in conflict or stand up for myself,” kind of guy. Most of these things are not inherently bad. It was the belief behind the behaviors that, in the end, did me in. I was utterly exhausted, and fifty years of this behavior did nothing to erase the theme of rejection that has hounded me as long as I can remember.
I’m actively working to find internal validation. I’ll be doing many of the same things in the years ahead, but for different motives. I do believe that the ultimate purpose of life is in serving others, but not at the expense of my own well-being. I’m learning to hold better opinions of myself and not depend on the validation of others based on what I’ve done for them lately.
I hope this is useful. Next week I’ll explore a couple more of these mega-shifts that await us on the other side of our primary career. As always, I welcome your feedback. And I’d love for this community to hear how you are addressing these shifts yourself, so leave a comment below!
Thanks for reading, and as always, we’re here to support you as you create the path to your preferable future!
[1] The quote is often misattributed to British economist John Maynard Keynes or Winston Churchill