Three Questions You Can’t Avoid
(The following is a revision of the first article I wrote for the Second Rodeo website. If you’ve been with us a while, you’ll recognize these evergreen topics!)
It’s July, so if you need me, I’ll be riding my bike or watching the Tour de France. If you remember the doping scandal era of Lance Armstrong and Jan Ullrich in the late early 2000s, the sport has made a herculean effort to clean up its act since then. Yeah, cheaters gonna cheat. But the combination of stricter rules, enhanced detection methods, and improved enforcement mechanisms has made it considerably harder to cheat in cycling today compared to that era.
This year’s TDF will be 2063 miles (3320 km) over 21 days, with just two rest days. They will climb over 172,244 feet (52500 m) across four mountain ranges, descending those climbs at over 60 mph (100 km/hr).
Last Saturday, 184 riders from 23 teams began what is essentially a war of attrition. While Tadej Pogachar and his chief rival, Jonas Vingegaard, are heavily favored to be on the podium, in professional cycling literally anything can happen. Crashes occur on the daily, and even the best of the best can be in the wrong place at the wrong time or suffer a mechanical failure.
The ability to cope with the unexpected is a distinguishing attribute of successful riders and teams.
Most people think life in retirement will just take care of itself. And yet, too many struggle for years with dissatisfaction and regret. Retirement isn’t what they expected and they don’t know why. Better to expect the unexpected on the way to your Second Rodeo.
Beginning the journey generates a lot of hope and anticipation. Change is in the air. And yet eventually you will need to wrestle with some tough questions—questions you may have managed to avoid for forty or fifty years or more. If those questions go unanswered, it’s difficult to find the fulfillment and significance we long for.
Here are three of those hard questions, along with some journal prompts to get you moving toward solid answers.
The question of Identity
“Who am I?” I know, I bring this up a lot. That’s because I see examples every day of people who have yet to figure out who they really are at their core. They’ve been living out someone else’s idea of what a successful life is. Amazingly, we often can’t or won’t answer this existential question in any meaningful way. “I mean, if my success doesn’t define who I am, what will?" Some people shy away from what they consider “navel-gazing,’ but the payoff is huge in terms of finding satisfaction and meaning in life.
Journal Prompt: Spend some time asking yourself, “Who am I apart from my work?” You might go with roles. “I’m a husband and dad to two daughters.” Or hobbies.“I ride bikes and write novels for fun.” Maybe attributes. Let’s say you come up with “I’m an insecure overachiever with a short attention span and attachment issues.” (I’m just making up an example, I don’t know anyone like this!)
Imagine how this honest assessment could narrow down your potential next options and potentially fend off weirdos at your next social gathering! All of these get us closer to the question of identity. The more time we’re willing to spend in reflection, the more likely we are to create a life that better fits our comprehensive reality.
The question of Occupation
“How will I spend my time?” Whatever it is you do now, boring as it might be, at least it fills your days. Many of our clients chose their first career based on income alone. Some years later, they are looking for something to fill their days with meaning, not just money.
We all have let dreams die of neglect along the way. And we’ve all had experiences of what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined “Flow,” that state of optimal performance and focus. reconnecting with these experiences can provide clues to finding a better path. And yet when the opportunity to make a shift comes along (retirement), how many of us settle for just being busy, even if that busyness is unfulfilling? Many will choose what is known, even if it is soul-stifling, over the fear of the unknown.
Journal Prompt: Ask yourself, If income generation weren’t a primary factor, how would I fill my days with meaning and purpose? What experiences from my past stand out as moments when I made a difference for others and found fulfillment in myself?
The question of Community
Where do I Belong? It wasn’t that long ago that most people lived and died close to where they were born. Mobility is a distinguishing mark of contemporary society. Many have become social nomads, skilled at engaging casual relationships, not so good at putting down deep roots. Personal growth or evolving as a human so often means ooutgrowing relationships that are, if not meaningful, at least predictable.
I’m generalizing, realizing that some people have valuable friendships that have endured over the decades. For many, in earlier stages of life what we called friendships were mostly relationships of association. The parents of our kids’s friends. People we saw once a week at church. Friendly banter with the neighbors while working in the yard. Work friends, people we enjoyed seeing during the work week but whose lives never intersected with ours otherwise. When our kids leave home, when we move, when we retire, perhaps we are left with a few lasting friendships, but most often they dissipate as quickly as they began.
At times it seems like everyone else has all the friends they want, and we’re alone in our loneliness. Of course, this is an illusion. But it’s a powerful illusion that prevents us from taking on the risk necessary for building new relationships.
Journal Prompt: What are the attributes of those people I’ve allowed into my inner circle? Where might I find more people like this?
At Second Rodeo we’ve developed a process called Investigative Life Planning. We do a thorough review of your past and present, looking to identify values, strengths, and preferences. We know where the speed bumps and potholes are on the road to reinventing yourself. As credentialed, experienced coaches, we’re here to guide you through the rough patches so you can get to what’s next as smoothly as possible. Hit the link below and we’ll set up a free consultation, no strings attached.